My quads hurt from yesterday’s legs sesh in the gym. I’m pretty sure I took it a little too far, stretching my workout to an hour and half on only my second day in the gym in years. (Yeah, I said it. Years.) After my workout, I jumped on the elliptical and got lost in my thoughts on a rigorous course for roughly twenty-five minutes until I realized I hadn’t taken in enough calories for the day to be working out that aggressively. But damn did it feel good, an absolute catharsis and a much-needed vacation from the webbed mass taking over my mind.
I feel so proud that I have returned to the gym. The only other time I was serious about working out was probably about five years ago in January 2003. I remember I began going because I had graduated high school five months before I had anticipated and despite having a full-time job and taking three classes at a local university, I found myself with free time and military training on the horizon. I religiously went every day, partnering it with heavy imbibing and a penchant for post-workout cigarettes. I think this went on for about three months until, for some reason or another, I had to take several consecutive days off. I couldn’t seem to restart my workout plan thereafter – needless to say, it doesn’t take a lot to deter me.
I had a pretty simple day today with an abs workout that
didn’t require the gym. I’m stoked to
get back tomorrow and I can't wait to see what eating right and working out will do to change my physique.
Pros:
- Cardio that takes over your entire being and makes you sweat away your worries
- Having a six-day-a-week workout plan .. slash turning into Jackie Warner from Workout, or at least being her girlfriend. I'll totes settle for either.
- Learning how to adequately make coffee for myself in the morning
- Feeling better
Cons:
- Netlifx is buggin, taking bout four days to send my movies
- The ever-growing list of things I need to do, beginning and ending with finding jobs
And menz - I don't discriminate.
My coworker just told me about a freakishly sweet deal over at eyes lips face where most products are under $5 for some reason or another. Seems that they are switching over to be the primary cosmetics line of Nordstroms (or currently are?). Anyway, hop on over for a new eyeshadow or some bronzer to make it look like you hit the sun without actually having to get skin cancer.
PS - the picture on the right is totes a visual representation of my new life slash look. You'll probably wanna follow my lead.
Things I'm doing to fix my I'm-alone-now-in-my-big-house-with-too-much-time:
- Bioré® Mandarin Blossom Pore Strips + the Pore Profiler = awesome
- Gilmore Girls Season 1
- Vox .. you all are saving my sanity in the simplest ways
- L'Oreal AcneResponse (buy it) because even though this list is making it seem like I'm an ogre, I'm really just putting up a preemptive strike against what I can foresee in the way of a dermatological nightmare considering my week in review. Foresight is something I'm really attempting to master. Obvi.
- Cleaning. Like a maniac. It's a sickness.
- Chillaxin with amazing friends, mucho texting, and tons of catching up. Most incredible friends who have an endless capacity to listen to me spell out my life and who do everything in their power to make my life not seem like a long-running joke. Case in point: I was with my friend at the grocery store last night and we saw a package of those assorted individual boxes of cereal and I told her how when I was a child I was obsessed with getting them but since they aren't exactly economically sound, we only got them when we went on camping trips. Vivian promptly picked up the package and put in my hands: "Well, I'm buying it for you. Need milk?"
Things that aren't working so well:
- Eating
- Sleeping
- Breathing .. no wait, that one was just dramatic
- Gilmore Girls gives me this feeling that I should be a lot more settled in my life with a kid in a small town in Connecticut because then at least I would have something. I'm that pathetic. And the impending prospect of becoming a step-mother had not exactly grown on me so much as it was that I was learning to live with the idea and to see its positives and the whole mother-daughter relationship is the central focus of this entire drama so .. yeah.
- Smoking
as in, within the last week. I'm sort of on a roll.
I have no desire to document this but only feel it necessary due to certain ironies and my overwhelming sense of self right now.
A few days back, there was a QotD a few weeks-ish ago asking whether or not you would break up with someone via text message. Of course I replied that I have a lot more respect for others than that and really couldn't fathom it ever being something I would do. I also said something along the lines of being too old to play such high school games, also that I'm dating the post-25 crowd, so they know better. It goes without saying that I got broken up with via text message on Wednesday night at ten in the evening, the night my father flew in and the first night in roughly six I hadn't spent with the boy. Although I would love to relay the rapid one-liners we exchanged - six in total - the messages are highlighted enough in my nightmares, so I'd really just like to take a rest. I attempted calling him in the midst of it all just to hear his cowardly voice telling me that the discussions of marriage and children that he initiated days before were all bullshit and that the night before when we sat hand-in-hand in a local restaurant while he told me about the most traumatic experiences of his childhood, which had wholly shaped who he currently is, those were stories he, the guarded man that he is, told everyone, including girls he doesn't care about. I wanted him to tell me that the fear of meeting my father had gotten to him because, god, he's alluded to it enough over the prior week. Hell, month. He didn't answer my calls but did continue to text. Fucking coward.
Regardless, it is during times like these that I tend to feel a great sense of self, seriously re-evaluating every inch of my existence and looking forward to life's endless possibilities. And while all of this is easily viewed as positive - that I probably will move back to Boston and begin classes at Harvard for my Master's Degree rather than giving up my career and academic aspirations to move to a small Southern Vermont town to do god only knows what whilst becoming a step-mother - I really am beginning to feel the pains of loneliness that these same aspirations always seem to bring. I feel like a failure even though I can see that it wasn't me - I was seriously good at this girlfriend thing this time around, I really was - and I feel weak and flawed and just a little bit crazy.
I know that this break-up is probably for the best. I can see these things about it. The part I just can't let go of is the idea that I was so easily dismissed, that I can be thrown away without a second thought. I would like to know why so much time was spent on love professions and futuristic plans and bonding time with his daughter if I wasn't even worth a phone call. Why I was prodded to give so much of myself and why I spent endless hours with his family if I was reduced to a text message saying, "You and me are over," with no subsequent reasoning attached. Ever.
So I'm here feigning strength and crafting translucent plans for the future and promising myself that I'll never do this relationship thing again - for real this time - because I'm twenty-three and feel fifty-six and I'm too damn old for bullshit like this.
Saw it on a random Vox, so I figured I might as well do it, too.
1) I hate NASA. This will most certainly not win me over any fans, but I can't understand spending billions of dollars on a program so evidently useless when people aren't eating or have no health care. Don't get me wrong - I do "get" NASA from an explorative, scientific perspective, but I just tend to lean toward necessity over extravagance.
2) In the last month, I tried tuna melts, macaroni salad, and a White Russian for the first time.
3) It bothers me - a lot - that I'm dating within my race. As someone who has always been a champion of civil rights, I fear that no one will take me seriously as a civil rights lawyer (my ultimate dream) if I'm married to some white guy. Just something I can't shake.
4) I can cook a lot better than I let on. In fact, I enjoy cooking - it's the dishes that I don't like. (And considering that I live alone, I have no bargaining chip with roommates/significant others/etc.)
5) The only casino I have ever been in was in Canada. I lost less than $5 (Canadian). I got really drunk on a friend's earnings. It was eleven in the morning.
6) I have zero anxiety about entering my thirties, even though it's seven years away. I can only excitedly think about how much I will know by then.
7) I find Sex in the City to be dull and poorly written, the characters completely absurd.
8) Furthermore, I'm a literature snob. Big time. The Kite Runner? Just awful and uninspired. I judge people for reading popular fiction. This is probably the only thing I judge people on, and I can't seem to get myself to quit doing it.
