Zen and the Pursuit of Simplicity

Recovery - Full Circle

nobody@vox.com(Stella Bella Hella Umberella (Ella Ella Aye Aye Aye)) — Thu, 08 May 2008 19:40:15 -0700

The only thing that has continued to drive me insane about the break up is that I kept having this ridiculously uneasy feeling about being pregnant. Now this isn't without merit (had five people ask me for various, non-fat reasons) but is still a bit far-fetched considering that birth control is my religion and that I have had a period since the break up. Still, something inside me wouldn't let go of the fear, I think, because it would probably be the worst possible outcome of all this. Like, I don't - and have no desire to - speak to this man, and so spending a lifetime having a child together is probably my worst nightmare with respect to him at this moment. Either way, after several nightmares and a constant nagging in the back of my mind, I finally went to the store and dropped the twelve dollars I needed in order to get peace of mind.

That pregnancy test might as well have looked up and yelled at me, "Bitch, you's a fool!" because it didn't take fifteen seconds before the "-" sign became extremely clear. And, really, this is all I needed. I have absolutely come full circle on this break up and regardless of how petty it is, I'm realizing that he's the absolute fool in this mess. For a time I really intended, in my own mind, on being completely civil and passive, thinking things like, "I'm great and he's great and maybe our greats just don't mesh."

Yeah. Fucking. Right.

I realize how many thing about him that I despised and how many things I completely excused, things that I never would have overlooked at any other point in my life except for now that I'm holed up in Never Never Land. He's such a bad father, one of those dads who always makes excuses for why he can't take care of his child right now and always complaining about the expenses that come along with fatherhood and even when he would visit his daughter, he just couldn't wait until she was in bed. He wanted new rims for his car and new equipment for his studio but couldn't muster the ability to bring his daughter over to live with him. And I just kept making excuses for him, playing the understanding girlfriend and thinking about how much he injected me into his daughter's life, so his plans must be changing. Also, he's racist on a level that even my mountains of education could never reverse, and the fact that I could even foresee a future with a person holding those types of ideals astounds me right now. Thing is, I really want to believe that I could never be with someone if I didn't think he or she wouldn't be able to see my multicultural and homosexual friends as equals in my life, and perhaps I thought I saw a spark of that at one point, but maybe I didn't. How I could ever ever act like the ideals he at some point held could be excusable, I'll never know. And it is all of these realizations that make me see that any move he makes after me is only down, or semi-lateral at best, but I can't even see that. I'm chill, I'm pretty fly, I got a degree from Tufts and I'm planning to begin my Master's program at Harvard in the fall, and your family (daughter included) fuckin love me. Plus, I'm hella funny and my job is in the nonprofit education sector which means that I'm not only a fighter, but a big-time lover who's willing to sacrifice a salary to go hard for something she believes in. Also, I put out. Daily.

Tell me you doin better.

And so now I'm here actually just angry because I gotta do my time here, get it over with and get back to where my people are and my educational journey can continue. So I spose it's a countdown, folks. Bear with me till then.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Subtle Anger

nobody@vox.com(Stella Bella Hella Umberella (Ella Ella Aye Aye Aye)) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 07:34:32 -0700

I have no desire to document this but only feel it necessary due to certain ironies and my overwhelming sense of self right now.

A few days back, there was a QotD a few weeks-ish ago asking whether or not you would break up with someone via text message. Of course I replied that I have a lot more respect for others than that and really couldn't fathom it ever being something I would do. I also said something along the lines of being too old to play such high school games, also that I'm dating the post-25 crowd, so they know better. It goes without saying that I got broken up with via text message on Wednesday night at ten in the evening, the night my father flew in and the first night in roughly six I hadn't spent with the boy. Although I would love to relay the rapid one-liners we exchanged - six in total - the messages are highlighted enough in my nightmares, so I'd really just like to take a rest. I attempted calling him in the midst of it all just to hear his cowardly voice telling me that the discussions of marriage and children that he initiated days before were all bullshit and that the night before when we sat hand-in-hand in a local restaurant while he told me about the most traumatic experiences of his childhood, which had wholly shaped who he currently is, those were stories he, the guarded man that he is, told everyone, including girls he doesn't care about. I wanted him to tell me that the fear of meeting my father had gotten to him because, god, he's alluded to it enough over the prior week. Hell, month. He didn't answer my calls but did continue to text. Fucking coward.

Regardless, it is during times like these that I tend to feel a great sense of self, seriously re-evaluating every inch of my existence and looking forward to life's endless possibilities. And while all of this is easily viewed as positive - that I probably will move back to Boston and begin classes at Harvard for my Master's Degree rather than giving up my career and academic aspirations to move to a small Southern Vermont town to do god only knows what whilst becoming a step-mother - I really am beginning to feel the pains of loneliness that these same aspirations always seem to bring. I feel like a failure even though I can see that it wasn't me - I was seriously good at this girlfriend thing this time around, I really was - and I feel weak and flawed and just a little bit crazy.

I know that this break-up is probably for the best. I can see these things about it. The part I just can't let go of is the idea that I was so easily dismissed, that I can be thrown away without a second thought. I would like to know why so much time was spent on love professions and futuristic plans and bonding time with his daughter if I wasn't even worth a phone call. Why I was prodded to give so much of myself and why I spent endless hours with his family if I was reduced to a text message saying, "You and me are over," with no subsequent reasoning attached. Ever.

So I'm here feigning strength and crafting translucent plans for the future and promising myself that I'll never do this relationship thing again - for real this time - because I'm twenty-three and feel fifty-six and I'm too damn old for bullshit like this.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Entertainment QotW: ExBf/Gf 4Eva

nobody@vox.com(Stella Bella Hella Umberella (Ella Ella Aye Aye Aye)) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 10:55:10 -0700

Carrie Underwood and Chace Crawford broke up via text message. What do you think: Would you ever break-up with someone by sending a text or email?

Short answer is no. If you know me at all then you'll know that I'm big on respect, and I think that despite what happens in a relationship, you have to respect the person you're with. I don't care if s/he cheated on you with your sister's dog's original owner's cousin who happens to be your mother, it all really deserves some sort of closure, both on your end and his/hers. It is my belief that this type of closure can't occur via text or email. Also, I think that I would have a looming sense that the intended recipient of said break-up message wouldn't receive it, as we all know electronics are bound to fail.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend