2 posts tagged “counseling session”

The only thing that has continued to drive me insane about the break up is that I kept having this ridiculously uneasy feeling about being pregnant.  Now this isn't without merit (had five people ask me for various, non-fat reasons) but is still a bit far-fetched considering that birth control is my religion and that I have had a period since the break up.  Still, something inside me wouldn't let go of the fear, I think, because it would probably be the worst possible outcome of all this.  Like, I don't - and have no desire to - speak to this man, and so spending a lifetime having a child together is probably my worst nightmare with respect to him at this moment.  Either way, after several nightmares and a constant nagging in the back of my mind, I finally went to the store and dropped the twelve dollars I needed in order to get peace of mind.

That pregnancy test might as well have looked up and yelled at me, "Bitch, you's a fool!" because it didn't take fifteen seconds before the "-" sign became extremely clear.  And, really, this is all I needed.  I have absolutely come full circle on this break up and regardless of how petty it is, I'm realizing that he's the absolute fool in this mess.  For a time I really intended, in my own mind, on being completely civil and passive, thinking things like, "I'm great and he's great and maybe our greats just don't mesh."

Yeah.  Fucking.  Right.

I realize how many thing about him that I despised and how many things I completely excused, things that I never would have overlooked at any other point in my life except for now that I'm holed up in Never Never Land.  He's such a bad father, one of those dads who always makes excuses for why he can't take care of his child right now and always complaining about the expenses that come along with fatherhood and even when he would visit his daughter, he just couldn't wait until she was in bed.  He wanted new rims for his car and new equipment for his studio but couldn't muster the ability to bring his daughter over to live with him.  And I just kept making excuses for him, playing the understanding girlfriend and thinking about how much he injected me into his daughter's life, so his plans must be changing.  Also, he's racist on a level that even my mountains of education could never reverse, and the fact that I could even foresee a future with a person holding those types of ideals astounds me right now.  Thing is, I really want to believe that I could never be with someone if I didn't think he or she wouldn't be able to see my multicultural and homosexual friends as equals in my life, and perhaps I thought I saw a spark of that at one point, but maybe I didn't.  How I could ever ever act like the ideals he at some point held could be excusable, I'll never know.  And it is all of these realizations that make me see that any move he makes after me is only down, or semi-lateral at best, but I can't even see that.  I'm chill, I'm pretty fly, I got a degree from Tufts and I'm planning to begin my Master's program at Harvard in the fall, and your family (daughter included) fuckin love me.  Plus, I'm hella funny and my job is in the nonprofit education sector which means that I'm not only a fighter, but a big-time lover who's willing to sacrifice a salary to go hard for something she believes in.  Also, I put out.  Daily.

Tell me you doin better.

And so now I'm here actually just angry because I gotta do my time here, get it over with and get back to where my people are and my educational journey can continue.  So I spose it's a countdown, folks.  Bear with me till then.