6 posts tagged “meeee”

Ready?

I wrote my last entry in a semi-drunken, semi-pissed state and am actually pleased with its outcome.  I think the only thing I want to add is that this is one of the first times in my life I believe I'm making good decisions, and this one regarding my heart is amazing.  Now, I'm going to go ahead and be honest again and admit that I will turn into a crazy bitch here in maybe four days due to lack of a sexual release (sorry, that was kinda gross) but maybe by then I'll be back in the gym beating the fuck out of punching bags, so it won't matter.

I hit up this staffing agency today in the city that was mad chill.  Homeboy that I hung out with (slash who interviewed me, but it was totally like we was chillin) thought I was amazing, so he's setting me up with a guaranteed work program there whereby they give me mad temp options and I get to pick and choose, and if I don't have something lined up for a particular day then I just go into the office and sit around getting paid ten bucks an hour until they get a call that some company needs someone for that particular day (for instance, their receptionist called in sick that morning and they neeeeeeeed a receptionist).  Basically I'm just sitting there waiting to spring into action to be all Super Stella.  Otherwise, maybe checking out some temp-to-hire positions and to check out a few industries.  I'm starting next Tuesday, as I'm gonna hit up the move Monday. 

Annnnnnd there we go with just one more problem:  How in the FUCK am I going to move on Monday?  I have one friend who has no life and no job who had promised to help me, but he just so happens to also be the guy of the last entry.  You know, the one who I refused sex to?  Yeah .. and y'all can go on about how that makes him a shitty person, but I really don't see it happening that he would go back on his promise because lord knows we've had bigger fights over smaller issues, but considering that MY BIG FAT MELODRAMATIC LIFE DEPENDS ON HIS HELP, I'm not going to sleep well until my bed and desk are safely in this apartment.

Onslaught in the past twenty-four hours - my b.  I'm into numbering now, too, which goes to show that I'm just as tired of me as you are.

1. So in this article that discusses Senator Obama's race, there is someone quoted in the first few paragraphs whose job is said to be a "cultural critic".  WHERE IN THE EFF WERE THESE JOBS WHEN I HAD TO PICK A CAREER TO RESEARCH IN NINTH GRADE??!?!
2. At midnight-thirty, I boxed all of my books.  It took three large stackable containers to hold every book, but I filled each to the brim and had just enough room.  See how the seventh move this year has come in handy?  Just call me the Moving King.  I rule.
3. I ran today.  I still hate running.  I'm liking not smoking a lot more, though, so maybe once that seriously kicks in, I'll be able to quit with the running.  Except for the part where I was smoking all those years cuz - newsflash - I have an oral fixation and, therefore, I'm eating instead.  So maybe the running will continue.  Sucks.
4. Ooh!  OH!  I'm giving a whole bunch of things to the Salvation Army, which I'm a big fan of.  Anywho, in doing a hundred students' FAFSAs this year and pouring all over their parents' financial records for the year I found out that when you donate items you get to .. uh, write a number on a line and deduct ... okay, I don't know, but it is good and I'll figure it out next January.  Anyway, imagine six hundred shirts and lamps and whatnot - my taxes are going to thank me.  http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/www_usn_2.nsf/vw-text-dynamic-arrays/D477340FFA28755C8525743D0049D1EF?openDocument
5. I slept for like five hours last night and didn't fully wake up till one this afternoon.  Now, one thirty, and I can't go to sleep.  I hate life.
   

Sitting idly in the Guidance Office I overhear quite a bit of information.  Most of the time it’s silly high school drama, but because the end of the year is approaching, a lot of students are coming in to speak about their class schedule for the upcoming year.  That’s something I definitely miss, the excitement of choosing my classes and receiving a syllabus and, in general, learning.  I mean, I get that life in and of itself is a learning experience, and that on-the-job experiences are a lot more practical than the things you learn in books (for the most part).  For instance, the things I have learned this year about counseling students and how to speak to specific audiences, financial aid and the application process and the institutionalized racism that occurs when it comes to financial assistance and standardized testing*.  I never would have learned how college admissions works if I was sitting in a classroom, and I probably wouldn’t be able to empirically speak to the problems facing suburban high school students living in a low-income, old mill town.  Yes, I can do these things, but I yearn to be back in midst of academia where I’m up all night reading things that never in my life would I read otherwise, discussing topics that probably won’t come up again in regular banter unless I choose to make an arbitrary reference.  I think that, all in all, I’m just not happy with being outside of a classroom and being in the Real World, America.  This is probably something that all other college grads go through for the first year or two, but I'm seriously not ready to accept that this is going to be my life.

*On that front, if English is not the official language of the United States, then why are such mandatory tests as the MCAS (Mass. state high school tests) and the SAT/ACT not offered in every language?  Jus sayin.

My sister is bummed about Mother's Day this year, even though she is the one who still speaks to our mother (not so much because she wants to or enjoys it or even respects the lady).  It's funny, because I just wish I was in Missouri right now so that I could go have lunch with my grandma, that's the only thing I miss or yearn for.  Maybe I'm heartless, I don't know, but considering the pain she intentionally inflicted on my family and the choices she has made in the past couple of years, I feel it a blessing, actually, that my mother is not in my life.  I think it's important to cut out the poisonous things, and she most certainly was poisonous.

Otherwise.

Today is laundry and reading (Their Eyes Were Watching God .. so excited) and dishes and kitchen-cleaning and bathroom-cleaning and putting away all my clothes (I've gotten careless and they have made their way to each room on my first floor) and I'm baking muffins and I plan to throw things away. 

Ooh, and I shaved my legs.  That was a big thing.

Today will be productive, I swear.

Saw it on a random Vox, so I figured I might as well do it, too.

1)  I hate NASA.  This will most certainly not win me over any fans, but I can't understand spending billions of dollars on a program so evidently useless when people aren't eating or have no health care.  Don't get me wrong - I do "get" NASA from an explorative, scientific perspective, but I just tend to lean toward necessity over extravagance.

2)  In the last month, I tried tuna melts, macaroni salad, and a White Russian for the first time.

3) It bothers me - a lot - that I'm dating within my race.  As someone who has always been a champion of civil rights, I fear that no one will take me seriously as a civil rights lawyer (my ultimate dream) if I'm married to some white guy.  Just something I can't shake.

4) I can cook a lot better than I let on.  In fact, I enjoy cooking - it's the dishes that I don't like.  (And considering that I live alone, I have no bargaining chip with roommates/significant others/etc.)

5) The only casino I have ever been in was in Canada.  I lost less than $5 (Canadian).  I got really drunk on a friend's earnings.  It was eleven in the morning.

6) I have zero anxiety about entering my thirties, even though it's seven years away.  I can only excitedly think about how much I will know by then.

7) I find Sex in the City to be dull and poorly written, the characters completely absurd.

8) Furthermore, I'm a literature snob.  Big time.  The Kite Runner?  Just awful and uninspired.  I judge people for reading popular fiction.  This is probably the only thing I judge people on, and I can't seem to get myself to quit doing it.

I'm feeling absolutely foolish.  And disgruntled and beaten down.  It's funny that I figured a five-year plan would even be considerable, much less doable, in the grand scheme of this running joke called my life.  I'm well aware that I'm being dramatic at this point - self-awareness I have down to a science.  However, it's incredibly disfiguring that I've crafted and planned and highlighted and accounted for the next few years - a plan that, finally, made sense, that I was so behind it ached - and it was all good until the very final planning stages and I find that it's completely unachievable the way I had imagined it.

I know this is not the end of the world.  I also know that this, too, shall pass and that much like every other instance in my life, I will land on my feet.  In the grand scheme of it all, I'm not worried about these things, but I'd seriously like to take a moment (a long moment) and wallow in my fucking self-pity, even if it is just on Vox because I can't stand to hear words of encouragement right now.

Right now I need to look ferociously for jobs and apply for them like it's my dying day because I have time restrictions.  I need to figure out if I'm at a point in my life where I want to make a decision based on a relationship, because I have absolutely never considered doing that (save for that one time when I was engaged, but, trust me, it was different) and look where it's gotten me. 

I feel like time is evaporating before my eyes, and I'm at the cusp of where my life has been and where my life is going to go.  And, certainly, this could be my blessing in disguise, but I have no intention of looking at it that way for at least another five hours.